Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize
