Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
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All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
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Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
And my parents said I crawled through the house
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
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