Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
Ladies don't puke and tell
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Randomize
