My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
Randomize
