I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
Randomize
