sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
My gift to the freshman: I made an illegal stop, rolled out and dropped to my hands and knees and puked in front of the south campus dorms and about 20 families. Welcome to OSU
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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