My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
Okay, quick math test. If our entire group can do at least 6 shots a night, how much alcohol will be needed to keep us shit faced for the rest of the week? This is for a grade. Anddd, go.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
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