Who is this?
Who do you want it to be?
Sarah Palin
I've got the updo, bangs, and glasses, but I'm blonde
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
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