Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
Randomize
