all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
Randomize
