i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
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