I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
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