I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
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