I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Randomize
