I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
