google image searching george stephanopoulos at 1 AM on a saturday night...once again
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
I'm not ready for the Pike bikes to move back in to town it was wonderful seeing that sorority house empty all summer
... I'm KD
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
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