just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
