Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
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