Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
ATTENTION ALL CONTESTANTS OF SLUTFEST 2012 ; not only will we be judging on how many penis you have sucked but also girth and length will be calculated. If you are found lying you will be disqualified. Remember your fellow participants will be rendering the same services to probably the same people. So choose wisely and let the games begin!
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
Randomize
