bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
