I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
i dont even know how to be here
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
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