yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
