they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
Randomize
