Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
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Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
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I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.