Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
