apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
Randomize
