i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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