i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
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