I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
Randomize
