Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
girl in front of me in lecture is looking up on ask.com about chlamydia.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Randomize
