New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
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