Got a toothbrush?
i'm signing you up for texting rehab
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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