Swine flu is the new snow day.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
Just saw two girls doing a walk of shame together. Slut bonding at it's best.
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
Randomize
