i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Randomize
