I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
Randomize
