Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
Tough to say exactly how to play this. I just know people don't like surprises when genitals are involved.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Randomize
