You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
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