I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Randomize
