So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
I hraet yuo
did you say you heart me or hate me?
who is this?
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
Randomize
