Im at strip club and am horny
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
No more going to class sober.. Tried it for a day or two, its just not for me
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
