every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
The best revenge is premature balding
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
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