i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Randomize
