Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
bad idea #53- masterbating while on period.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Randomize
