Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
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Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
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And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
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