my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
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