I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
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