I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
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