I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
