I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
I'm such a slut...i kept having sex with him after he called me his ex gf's name. I just felt like i deserved something out of it too.
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
Randomize
