I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
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