I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
