I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Randomize
