A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
Randomize
