Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
