last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
