I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
Randomize
