I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
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