i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
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