he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize
