Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
I would reevaluate a bf who is happy with other guys doing me.
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
Randomize
